Saturday, July 11, 2015

Better Than a Turducken Swallowed By an Alligator and Stuffed Into a Roast Beast

Just a short vignette (as opposed to one of those long vignettes) about the day I had with Hick driving me across half the state for the writing conference. More tales from the conference in future days. I have limited time now for my short vignette.

Hick is not world-renowned for his fabulous driving ability. If you recall, Hick is a master sweaver. Not a quality a new driver should attempt to emulate. All who ride with him are advised to invest in a neck brace for those constant, yet random, side-to-side swerves, as if weaving through uprights like a Border Collie at a dog agility contest.

On the way home, along 25 miles of winding two-lane blacktop, Hick took it upon himself to educate The Pony on progress by MoDOT in recent years.

"This road is much better than it used to be. There's all that shoulder that didn't used to be here."

The Pony tried to look interested, but only because his phone battery died. I, on the other hand, exhibited bona fide interest in Hick's statement.

"Yes. More space for you to drive on!"

The Pony nodded at me and chuckled silently.

"He just serves 'em up on a big ol' platter! I must admit, I'm a glutton."

Hick was not as silent. "You just need to relax, and ride over there without talking."

"You just need to keep it between the center line and the side line."

T-Hoe veered right and ran up on those noise-making grooves.

"Yeah. Like I thought. Too much pressure. So you do that on purpose now, with plans to pretend it was on purpose later when you sweave off the road."

Hick cannot outsmart a smart-mouth. Val is a master, too.

10 comments:

  1. You get so much practice at your job.

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    1. Yes. It's quite unfair to Hick, all that extra practice I get while being paid. I almost feel sorry for winning the battle of the mouths against him every time. Almost.

      But he can take pride in his work on the dishes on the big ol' platters. He could be a prep cook for famous TV chefs on the Food Network, he's so good at serving those juicy entrees up to me.

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  2. When you "sweave" off the road. Can't be a typo! Now our Val is coining new words. I like it. What will you come up with next?

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    1. Sweave. A combination of swerve and weave. The reason Hick travels 50 miles to cover 25.

      Not sure what I'll come up with next, but I'll go out on a limb and say that it will not be flattering for Hick.

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  3. Poor Hick. I think he sweaves as public service. He just wants to make sure that ALL parts of the road are driven on and receive as equal wear as possible.

    Shame on you, Val, for criticizing him when he's doing his civic duty.

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    1. You might have something there. Perhaps he's just doing it to make sure we get our tax dollars worth of road usage. Okay. I'll just have to criticize him for doing something else.

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  4. I think maybe you're too swervous for Hick's driving.

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    1. Au contraire. Hick's driving is too swervous for me. I challenge you to escape with all 10 fingernails and your knuckles non-white after riding shotgun with Hick while he passes a low-belly trailer loaded with a flight simulator. That's right. A flight simulator! It's an oversize load, you know. Hanging over the center line of a two-lane divided highway, with a trail car flashing lights as a warning.

      Yes, I will sell you a ticket for this ride half-price, and give you a refund if you are not nervous as Hick pings like a pinball from cable median barriers to almost the center line, where that flight simulator hangs over a good three feet.

      Hick passed two of them. One on a curve. At 70 mph. More like 80 mph. As I recall, he said, "Huh. They're running at 70 miles an hour." My knuckles are still as white as the ivory of an elephant that has just lost his milk teeth.

      I only mentioned his two-lane blacktop vignette because I did not want to relive the simulator passing. What's done is done. If your nerves are cast-iron wrapped with steel, perhaps you can put on your favorite short-shorts, fork over the ticket price, and head out on the highway (with HICK!) looking for adventure. ;)

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  5. Only Val could make a post out of a reply to a post comment!

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    1. iIcan't stifle my creativity when it starts to flow! Like eating before grocery shopping, I need to write my regular post before the replies, so I'm not hungry for wordage.

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